Food and Movement: Shifting Your Mindset
What does movement mean to you?!? Oftentimes, one’s relationship with exercise and physical activity can become toxic if proper attention and care is not taken into consideration. In my personal experience, I started running in high school as a member of my high school’s cross country and track teams. Movement was exhilarating and inspiring for me at the time, and it was also a great way for me to build community! However, when I moved away for school, my relationship with movement - and running in particular - started to sour. I started to make “excuses” that I could not have any rest days; more work in the gym meant “better”. This same theme start to infiltrate the way I saw my nutritional needs.
At the onset of the pandemic, I was feeling extremely lonely and isolated. With more time by myself, my relationship with movement and food started to get even worse, and a normal day for me would include (at least) a two hour workout. There were no rest days, no breaks, and certainly no excuses. What was happening to me?!? Unfortunately, my friends started to make comments on my body: “You look so good!", “You’ve lost weight!”, “You look so toned!”… you get the picture. While I’m sure my friends thought their comments were harmless, their words only affirmed that what I was doing with my mind and body was the “right thing”. Reader, please please never make comments about someone’s body — even so-called “good” comments. You have absolutely no idea what that person is going through, and in my situation, it could actually make things worse.
As my tight grip on my fitness and food routines started to unravel, my body physical broke down. I sustained an awful, non-healing bone fracture after too many months spent over-exercising and under-fueling. I finally came clean to my family and friends about how I was struggling with my relationship with movement. At the time, exercise had become a chore, a punishment, and a way to escape from my problems without actually putting in the effort to work through them. This is another issue that I want to address; there is nothing wrong with using fitness as a way to reduce stress. The endorphins from a good workout are amazing in the moment! However, when exercise becomes your only coping mechanism, this is a problem because you are not actually addressing the root of the issue. Seeking professional help from a counselor or licensed therapist to talk through some struggles you might be going through is a lot better than using your workout to temporarily block out your problems (believe me - I tried this for years and it doesn’t work!).
So fast forward to today - I’m finally healing from my bone injury and I spent three months in an intensive outpatient treatment program to address my relationship with food and exercise. I wish I could tell you that I’m 100% fine now, rid of any negative or disordered thoughts around nourishing my body… but that would be lie. The road to full recovery is long and difficult, but that in no way means that I’m not strong enough to get there. The ups and downs are my teachers along the way to highlight my resilience and dedication to bettering myself and others. Sharing my story with as many people as possible, for example, is one way I’m spreading awareness for eating disorder education, treatment, and research. I’m also hoping that it reaches those who may be going through similar situations — truly you are never alone in this battle.
You might be wondering how my relationship with movement has evolved - especially now as I’m finally able to get back into the gym after my injury. Well, simply put, I just do what I want. It’s no longer about burning a certain amount of calories or going for a certain distance/time. I exercise for the hard work and the sweat, the very things that remind me that I am human and that it is a blessing to move my body. My weight or the idea of creating a “dream body” is no longer that goal — my happiness after it’s all over is the goal. Did I do what I could and what I wanted to do? That’s all that matters, folks. Additionally, I’m there for the community. Whether this is in a biking class or at my yoga studio, movement brings me closer to the individuals whom I intentionally choose to keep close. Similarly, food is used as fuel now. I eat when I’m hungry, treat myself to my cravings with limited feelings of guilt, and truly use food as a way to express myself.
Again, I understand that making this large shift in mindset is not an easy task. Even after all of my hard work, I still have plenty of “bad” days! But knowing now that I am capable of pushing through, listening to my body, and continuing to fight for myself, the “good” days show me that all of this is worth it. I am worth it.
Continuing to spread awareness and having these difficult conversations is crucial for the long term health of today’s younger generation. If someone were to have intervened earlier in my life, perhaps in high school, I firmly believe my eating disorder would not have escalated later life. Young children deserve to hear this conversation because it’s their health that’s on the line. Especially with the invasive nature of today’s social media in perpetuating body stereotypes, we need to step in and flip the script on weight, movement, and healthy.
Choosing movement as joy and food as nourishment was a difficult but intentional change that I made in my life, and I truly believe it will foster a long life full of happiness and fulfillment. It isn’t easy, friends, but it’s worth it. You are worth it!