NEDA Walk - Personal Story
Trigger Warner: This blog post discusses eating disorders, some specific behaviors of an individual who experienced an eating disorder, and other details that may be triggering for folks.
In 10 years - when I look back on my recovery journey, I know this NEDA Walk event will continuously stand strong as a pivotal moment in my experience moving through eating disorder recovery. In brief, my first memory of disordered eating thoughts cropped up in middle school when I noticed that my body looked different from my peers’. Running as a form of exercise and competition also entered my life around that time, and the toxic coupling of running as overexertion and nutrient restriction quickly became one of my most “reliable” (maladaptive) coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t come to this conclusion until much much later in my life. At that time in middle school, I didn’t see any issue with how I used/abused exercise and altered my food intake in order to “balance” out my stress, emotions, and/or other challenging things that were happening.
Photo taken after sharing my speech at the Burlington, VT NEDA Walk Event.
Sunday, April 30th 2023
In high school, I continued to run cross country and track… and truly, I can only speak wonderful words about the people I met on the team and the experiences we shared with each other throughout my four years. However, because I continued to get faster, my coveted spot on the varsity team proved to bring much more pressure and stress into my life than I could handle in healthy ways. Fortunately for me, I had a great support system of my family, friends outside the team, and my partner at the time — but I would be remiss if I didn’t highlight how my disordered eating patterns from middle school rolled over into becoming a full blown eating disorder by the end of my freshman year of high school.
There was also this deep desire for me to please, perform, and be perfect. I don’t want to speak for others, but many eating disorders emerge from this (unattainable) desire to feel “in control”; this sense of “control” over food, exercise, or what-have-you, provides some feelings of stability… but when it comes down to it, this “control” leaves a false comfort. And in my experience, it is not sustainable. I could continue on with this downward spiral of my eating disorder and my experience with poor bone health as I racked up miles on my legs without proper fueling… and friends, that story is grim. Unfortunately, the truth about my bone health is that it is still grim as bone health is something that takes much longer to build back up after years of malnourishment - for lack of a better word.
But in truth, I don’t want to get bogged down in all the nitty gritty (sad) details of my eating disorder - because it’s tremendously difficult to sit and reflect on “what could I have done differently” to avoid the current health repercussions that I’m presently trying to move through. Also… getting caught up in all of the “coulds, shoulds, and would haves” is actually not productive in how I can give myself grace and compassion moving forward. I think that’s why speaking up and sharing my personal story at the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) Walk in Burlington, VT this past April was so transformative in my recovery journey. No longer am I speaking from a place of desperation that I want to be free of the shackles of my eating disorder… but rather, my voice comes from a deep desire inside myself to advocate for change so that people no longer feel alone and abandoned in their battles with eating disorder(s). I want my freedom from my eating disorder to come from a place of care for others. This is truly bigger than just me existing in this weird balancing act of recovery.
When I was a freshman in high school, I remember sitting in my required health class and reading the one paragraph on the so-called “definition” of eating disorders - and more specifically, anorexia. One of the many problems in our society is that we continue to perpetuate stereotypes of what it means to have an eating disorder - what it looks like, what the behaviors are, etc. However, just like in everything else where black and white definitions of people (and things) are inaccurate, this notion that all eating disorders look and feel the same in all bodies couldn’t be further from the truth. In my experience, opening up to my friends and family about my struggles with my ED has been shocking to some because I don’t match their picture of what an eating disorder looks like… because they have been conditioned to only know and understand the “extreme”. Firstly, I am not here to throw shade on people for not knowing - but rather, a lack of understanding of important and serious issues comes first from the lack of education and supportive structures put in place by our communities and larger society. And friends, this is quite dangerous!! Because when there is a lack of education even around the first warning signs of eating disorders, the chances for young people to escalate their ED behaviors is compounded - and speaking from my perspective, the longer these behaviors persist, the more difficult they are to unwind and dispel.
With all that being said, the work starts right here - by sharing and speaking up about the things that matter. Just as, if not more important, is the active listening. I used to be a believer that taking up space in a group meant that I needed to be the one with the microphone; however, moving through the various communities I have been a part of, I’ve come to learn and realize that there is great power to the quiet, but attentive ear.
I’m not going to lie - sharing my story about how my eating disorder has quite literally barred me from enjoyment for long periods of time in my relatively short life was not easy. But in knowing that my story just may inspire someone to care, or seek out professional help if they are struggling… this made it all worth it. Speaking from a soul that is exhausted from fighting but willing to continue on in order to prevent others from going through the same battles of doctors, bone scans, mirror checking behaviors, etc… I’m here to say that the fight probably will never be easy.
But a life full of light, love, and strength is 100% worth fighting for.
If you have an extra moment, please consider checking out the materials included on this post - I have attached a copy of the speech that I wrote, as well as the YouTube video from said speech that I shared during the walk event. Thank you all in advance for taking the time and space in your hearts and minds to listen, watch, and read any and all of this information. Presently, nothing is more important to me than spreading awareness about eating disorders. We must change the narrative for young people so that they can feel safe and comfortable seeking help if needed.
All bodies are good, beautiful, and worthy bodies. 💛