Experiencing and Processing Change

A good friend once told me that the only thing constant in life is change; funny concept, right?! Change is simply “the act or instance of something or someone becoming different”, and I am sure anyone who is reading this has experienced some sort of change over the course of their lifetime… whether that be physical and/or emotional changes! Change can also take the form of a location change (a big move!) or a more subtle change in your personality and how you want to show up in the world. Regardless of the kind of change, it is extremely important to meet change with grace and adapt with curiosity. Now this is definitely easier said then done! Typically, people thrive in their comfort zones and taking any steps outside of this “safety net” to change themselves is not a commonly sought out experience. I want to acknowledge that others genuinely love change and experiencing life outside of their comfort zone(s), but for many - including me - a lot of complex emotions and sensations arise whenever there is great change (either physically or emotionally).

I wanted to write this blog now because I very recently experienced a great change in my life - and honestly, I’m still sorting through how to feel and act after this big shift. At the beginning of June, I packed up my life into my 2012 silver Prius (Jeremy!) and my mom and I hit the road for Vermont! We took several days to road trip all the way up the east coast, and when I dropped her off at the New Haven airport in Connecticut, the last three hours to my new home in Vermont were absolutely shell-shocking. I could not believe I just decided to move across the United States (again!) all by myself. Additionally, I had never really been this far north, and I was so flooded with emotions about feeling left out, “different”, and just down right lonely. I moved to Vermont for a job at an outdoor education center, and now that it has been a month since things started… I can say with 100% certainty that this is exactly where I need to be. I don’t want to downplay how scared I was the first couple days (and really the whole first week!) not knowing a single soul and being in a completely unfamiliar environment, but I have also never learned this much about myself in such a short period of time.

So back to the concept of change! Obviously, the “change” in this example is pretty clear - I physically moved across the country! But some of the more subtle changes that I want to process with you all are the cultural changes I have experienced so far. I don’t think a lot of people realize this but the regional differences in the U.S. can be quite drastic! So for me - someone who grew up around Chicago and then has since lived in Tampa, FL for the past couple of years - moving to basically the middle of nowhere Vermont was a huge cultural shift! One very physical difference between myself and my peers that I have met at my new job, for example, is the amount of tattoos and piercings I have. Additionally, I am currently rocking (teehee!) an undercut hairstyle, meaning that the bottom chunk of my hair underneath by my neck is shaved down. When I got that done in Tampa, several of my friends (males, females, and non-binary folks) also had that hairstyle! However, here, I definitely had to make the mental note that there wasn’t going to be “a ton” of that sort of vibe! Not to say this was an “issue”, but just something to be aware of personally. Unfortunately, some assumptions have been made on who I am based on my physical appearance (i.e. tattoos, piercings, undercut, etc.), but trying to turn all these experiences and conversations into teaching moments is my goal moving forward.

Finally, I just want to briefly touch upon how I am doing emotionally with such a drastic change. Honestly, there are some days (especially after the kids got here!) where I feel like I don’t even have time to process any of my own homesickness or loneliness! I have also been extremely blessed with some great coworkers who have instantly turned into trusted friends - but I do want to create space for the conversation of loneliness even though I am in such a supportive environment. There have been days where I find myself just so baffled by the fact that literally a month ago, I was in Florida, going about my usual day at my yoga studio, work, and hanging out with friends. Now, because I am so busy during the day, staying in contact with those folks is extremely difficult! This also extends to my family; my parents live in Florida and my sister lives in Ohio. Trying to maintain contact with them and feeling grounded in our conversations has been a challenge that I am personally working on overcoming. Lastly, just finding time to unplug from friends and be by myself has been a challenge that I am continuously trying to balance out. With so many people around and always being “on”, I know that if I don’t have at least 20 minutes a day to just sit with myself and check-in, I would be in big trouble. I definitely know that in the past couple of years, I would have just silenced my emotions and filled all of my time with friends and family… but knowing what I know now about my feelings, expressing said feelings, and what happens when those feelings go unprocessed, it is extremely important for me to process what I am going through as I am going through it. This is also why I am stoked that the company I work for provides counseling services for staff! Because all of this never has to fall on your shoulders - please never forget that seeking out professional help is a wonderful tool to facilitate any processing that you need to do! You don’t have to be clinically diagnosed “depressed” (for example) to seek out the care of a licensed therapist.

Change can be extremely scary and perhaps also triggering for past challenges you may have already overcome (i.e. eating disorders - my personal experience -, panic attacks, PTSD episodes, etc.). But change can also be an incredibly beautiful experience where you get to uncover pieces of yourself that were there all along… but perhaps you just didn’t know they were there! As I continue to uncover more about myself and lean into my new friendships, I will continue to reflect on how this new environment is shaping me into the woman that I am becoming - both physically and emotionally! If any of you are going through big changes in life currently or upcoming, take a breath, know that you can do difficult things, and lean into what you know about yourself. We are wise beings. Change is merely the wind blowing in the trees of life!

Thank you all so much for reading my thoughts and feelings - until next time! <3 :)